Today, I’m turning my blog over to my Kesington Books/Lyrical Press sister author, Deb Julienne, who has brought along her book SEX, LIES AND BEAUTY AIDS. Having already read it, I can vouch it’s a fun-filled story.
But before we get to her book, Deb has a comedic tale of her own to share which may give you pause the next time you consider climbing a tree. Then again . . . maybe not, considering the attention she attracted, LOL. Take it away, Deb . . .
Have you ever heard the saying “That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?” Whoever said it obviously has been following me hoping for a laugh or two.
Do I feel strong? Heck no…but I am a survivor. Sure, I occasionally have a fit, scream and yell. And yes, I do know how to throw a heck if a pity party but at the end of the day you have to find a way to crawl into bed and hope the heaven you’ll find a silver lining in the morning.
I will make no bones about it, reality bites, but I like to think I bite back as well.
If you have a perfect life you’ll hate my books. Just sayin’. But if you’re anything like me, even doing a good deed can get you into trouble. Don’t believe be? How about this for evidence:
My neighbor and I would go for a walk every day after my kids finished their homework and before I’d start dinner. NOTE: Judy and I love our plants and when we see a plant, shrub, or tree go to seed we’ve been known to take a collection and use said seeds and try to grow a seedlings.
On this particular fall day we were walking round the track at Houge Park in San Jose. Judy happened to notice her favorite tree had gone to seed and that the pods had started to dry and split open. Judy is 4’11”. I’m barely 5’3″. As the taller of the two I jumped up grabbed the bottom branch and pulled myself up in to the tree. Made sure I had a good perch and proceed to collect some good pods, dropping them to Judy.
I then lean forward to swing out of the tree…only to discover I have a major problem…I’m stuck…as in I have a freaking hole in the butt if my jeans and the broken limb of the branch I’m sitting on is holding me hostage by the hiney.
Judy looks up and says, “You like that tree or something come on down.”
“I’d love to but I’m stuck,” I said.
Laughter commences and yes, I too, am laughing, but still I’m stuck.
I reach behind me trying to gauge just how stuck I am, Judy just starts laughing harder and says, “Get your hand out of your butt before you embarrass us.”
“Us?” I said, sarcastically.
Next thing I know I see her suddenly squat and tie her shoes and she starts whispering, “Pull your legs up”…only I can’t hear her.
When I don’t do as she asks, she says a bit louder, “Pull your legs ups.” I can see enough of her face to see something is up, and yet I can see her shoulders shaking, she’s laughing her fool head off.
I’m am so not amused.
Now as trees go, this is a big tree and it’s full, so I can’t see clearly around me.
I ask Judy, “What’s so important down there?” I mean how long does it take to tie a shoe?
She stands up and practically shouts, “Pull your legs up.”
About this time I notice two additional sets of shoes, one on either side of her.
Did I forget or mention that the fire department does their exercising at the park several says a week…yeah you guessed it. The guys part the branches of the tree and ask, “Need some help?”
Judy has lost it by then, collapsed on the grass holding her stomach. Me, I’m stuck in freaking tree with two gorgeous fireman asking if I need help. What’s a girl to do?
I lied of course I told them I had just put a baby bird back in its nest. There were no nests in that tree. Yes, I looked.
Finally, I managed to get my feet under me then yanked with all my might pulling myself into a squat and my britches free from the broken branch…but not without tearing my jeans more. Yes you could hear the rip, noticeably so.
How do I know this? Judy’s laughter has grown, escalating into hysteria. The guys, eye crinkling, lips twitching, trying their best to force a straight face and politely help me swing down to safety. Bless their hearts, they made it all of three feet before they exploded into fits of laughter.
Judy got her seeds. Me – just a nice case of humiliation.
Again I say…life is just one big walk in the park…NOT!
PS. Stay away from trees, they bite!
Blurb SEX, LIES AND BEAUTY AIDS
Sex, lies, and beauty aides finally earn the girl next door a little respect.
Sabrina Thompson, editor of Skin Deep Magazine’s successful Natural Beauty Secrets column, is handed the challenge of her life. Take over the Love and Sex column or lose her job. What does a twenty-four year old virgin know about love or sex when she’s never been on a third date? To complicate matters, there’s a new guy at the helm. Her only crush’s clone is issuing orders.While his pompous and ambitious twin dries out, playboy and ne’er-do-well Trent Wellington must assume his identity and save his family’s flailing magazine. The bright spot amid staff cuts and content restructuring is the plucky editor he once made a fool of himself in front of at a family gathering. Fooling everyone isn’t easy, especially when Sabrina inspires his true self to be more than he ever has.
Years of hearing she’s too nice to date have left Sabrina’s frustration simmering. It boils over when she discovers Trent’s deceit and she vows to make him pay. Getting even has never been so much fun.
CONTENT WARNING: mature language, sexual situations
About the author:
While some say truth is stranger than fiction, Deb Julienne’s experience runs more along the lines of slap-stick comedy. She believes when life tosses you lemons it’s best to turn it into Limoncello.
Baking, gardening, and writing help fill the leftover space of the day job.
As a teen of the 70’s, some of her most precious memories are enough to make her laugh out loud. She considers herself lucky to have had many friends and partners in crime, stretching the boundaries along the way. Life has been known to take U-turn at a moment’s notice dropping her into a compost heap.
Born and raised in San Jose, California, she now resides in the Tahoe National Forest Basin, her own bit of heaven on earth, with her husband of 33 years, with three sons and one daughter, and two very precocious grandkids.