Mae Clair: My Shameful Addiction

It began at an early age. My parents made several attempts to intervene and steer me onto the straight and narrow. I believe they thought I‘d grow out of it given time. Later, my husband tried to help me break the habit, suggesting I go cold turkey. Instead, I ended up corrupting him and introducing him to the dark side.  You see…I am a chipaholic.

Yes, you heard correctly. Those innocent crisps of potato and salt are my downfall. Before you roll your eyes and reach for an Utz, allow me to put this craving in perspective.  My willpower runs like this:

Chocolate? Eh. I have to be in the mood.
Ice cream? Eh. Maybe some mint chocolate chip a few times a year.
Cakes, cookies, donuts? *yawn* They don’t speak to me.
Soda? Never. I hate the fizzy stuff.
Chips. Oooh, look how pretty and tempting!

That’s not to say I don’t have standards. I’m not much for flavors like sour cream and onion, cheddar, salt and vinegar, Cajun, dill pickle (seriously?) and pizza. Give me plain, or the occasional barbeque. Old-fashioned, kettle brands, and russets are great too, as are those fancy gourmet colored ones you buy in the organic aisle (as if that’s going to make them healthy. Yeah, right).

But I digress. Any chipaholic worth their salt will tell you there is a proper method to christening a fresh bag of chips. The following steps must be followed precisely:

  1. Grip bag to release auditory crinkle of foil (this builds anticipation)
  2. Tug bag apart/open (do not tear)
  3. Inhale/savor the bouquet
  4. Eat one chip, and one chip only, to absorb flavor. This must be done to appreciate the vintage of the batch, the same way you would sample wine after allowing it to breathe. Not all chips are created equal.
  5. If spouse is present, share chip with him.
  6. Pretend snobbery and control
  7. Devour bag, then tell yourself it’s the last time

Pitiful, yes, I know. Since my will power is notorious for gleefully hopping the Middleswarth or Martin’s Kettle Cooked train, we don’t often buy chips in my house. Occasionally, however, my husband will want a bag and I don’t feel it’s fair to deprive him.  The solution? After much discussion (and hysterical sobbing on my part about unwanted weight gain….okay, kidding, but you get the idea), we determined he would buy only ripple chips. Why is this a big deal? Because, I hate ripples. They’re thick and ridgy and don’t taste anything remotely like a chip should.

Genius, right? I was happy. He was happy. We threw confetti. Then he brought the innocuous ripples home.

Guess what?

When there is no other chip in the house, the siren call of a ripple is enough to awaken the slumbering beast of a chipaholic. It wasn’t long before it dragged me into the kitchen whispering I should taste ‘just one’ to remind myself how wretched they were. After all, I’m a chip snob. A ripple had no power over me. Or so I thought. *hangs head in shame* 

The end result?  We don’t buy ripples anymore. If I’m going to cave, I want it to be for the real McCoy. So I’m back to banishing chips from the house and eating carrot sticks. Er, most of the time anyway. After all, what good is a guilty pleasure if you can’t wallow around it in once in a while?

So, how does all of this relate to writing? Simple. I’m addicted to that too, and that’s something I won’t banish from the house. Ever!

Now that I’ve fessed up to my woefully embarrassing addiction, what’s yours? Do share! 😀

21 thoughts on “Mae Clair: My Shameful Addiction

  1. You crack me up, Mae. No pun intended. 😉 While I’m not a chipaholic, I definitely can relate to the appeal. No way I can ever stop at just one. I’m very happy to know that you won’t be banishing writing from your house anytime soon though!

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    • Thanks, Stephanie. I’m glad you got a chuckle out of my post. The weird thing is if I go out somewhere and chips are present, I can easily pass them by. It’s when a bag is sitting in my kitchen that I can’t ignore it. Writing, however, I’ll gladly indulge whenever and wherever!

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  2. OMG! Mae…chips are also **one** of my weaknesses. Although, I have been clean and sober (chip free) since February 1, 2012. This is that one thing that I cannot have just one of!

    Okay, my confession: I’m addicited to cake! Let me clarify this…I do not bake or buy cakes for my home but…I do attend weddings, baby showers, birthday parties, and bascially anywhere cake will be offered just to eat the cake. I’m upfront with people…they know I’m only there for one thing and one thing only!

    Great post!

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    • My husband is a fan of cake, while I much prefer fruit pies (and, of course, chips). Nice to know I’m not the only one with an addiction, LOL. And wow, chip free since February 1!!!! That’s amazing. The longest I ever went was 90 days. That was my first round of doing P90X and I stuck with it to the letter.

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  3. thanks for the laugh Mae! There are two kinds of people in the world: sweet and salt. I am neither since I like both. I’m picky about my chocolate, only dark. One of my fav treats is choc ice cream and chips, together, in the same bowl. That way I get both

    You never mentioned what size bag you devour in one sitting…

    chips:
    plain is best – the brand we have here is Fritolays
    one of the more disgusting flavours is ketchep
    I will tolerate sourcream and onion

    steps to eat
    step 1 – yes
    step 2 yes
    step 3 yes – I usually give first sniff to spouse
    step 4 not necessary
    I never eat an entire bag in one sitting

    thanks again I needed that!

    .

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    • Sue, you are so right about the sweet/salty thing. I’m definitely more salt than sweet, although only when it comes to chips and crackers. I never use it when I cook and there’s no table salt in my house. I will, however, gladly dip pretzels in ice cream (and yeah, I’ve tried chips too though I’m not really an ice cream person). I’m glad I gave you a laugh!

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  4. Hahahaha!!! Too funny! I can relate, but not to chips. I’m a sucker for soda, of the diet kind. I cannot go a whole day without at least 1 20ozer down the pipes. It’s a sin, but I’ve come down a notch from the un-diet variety at least 🙂 Great, funny post!

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    • Thanks, L.J. It was a fun post to write. And I know a LOT of people who need to have a huge cup of the fizzy stuff every day. For some reason soda and I never connected. Which is good since I have a hard enough time controlling my chip obession!

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  5. You do make me laugh Mae 🙂 We love them over here too! I buy about 25 packets a week. It’s a nightmare, trying not to eat them. It’s one of those things I would never be without like tea and coffee. A home’s not a home without a cupboard full of crisps

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  6. A little late to this one, but I can’t let a mention of Utz Chips go by me without hoop and hollerin’ for ’em. They are so yummy, Mae. I buy the little baby (okay– that should be small) bags whenever I get those ‘must have chips shakes’. Thankfully, it only happens a handful of times a year now. Thank Goodness! Lays will do me just fine, too, btw. Hmm, chipppppppppppppssss…

    This post was hilarious, my friend! Thanks for the chuckles!! And for sharing your… addiction… with us.

    I’m always on the search for the healthiest, tastiest cookie snackie thing I can find. Low sugar, low carbs that taste like heaven. My search continues!

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    • I’ve done that search too, Venice. It’s amazing what your tastebuds will adjust to, (fat free cream cheese) but I just can’t do it with chips! Lucky for you that you only get the ‘must have chips shakes’ a handful of times a year. I wish I could say the same!

      Glad you enjoyed my post. Thanks for commenting, my friend! 🙂

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  7. I have to say two things come to mind–fudge and maple sugar candies. If they are in the house, these items are simply not safe. They are relegated to the “holiday only” treats. As for one that I bring home a little more often, Oreos. There are days I would commit felonies for a nice bag of double-stuffed Oreo and a cold glass of milk.

    Oh, and ripple chips are AWESOME with ketchup or on a nice ham sandwich with provolone, lettuce, tomatoes, and Italian dressing.

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    • You like ripples?!?!? *shudder* LOL! Then again, I can’t do maple sugar candies either, much too sweet. Though fudge and Oreo cookies could tempt me in the right frame of mind (without the milk. That’s yet another ‘shudder element’ of mine) 😀

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